Too Many Words...

A timely reprint considering the time of year.

How not to get fatter this year

Well with the new year about a week past I'm sure everyone is just about to get started on those ole resolutions. Now when I worked in the fitness industry we had a term for January : 'Cha-Ching'. Which is the sound of a cash register. Which means we all made a lot of money. I wish I didn't have to explain that so thoroughly but Ken might be reading this. There's such a thing in a gym as the January rush, when a bunch of well intentioned people plop down a bunch of money on a year long membership hoping that the financial investment will force them to keep at it. It doesn't. At best it will just make you form all sorts of justifications for why you didn't need that $30-70 a month in the first place.

Most people drop out pretty quick, not out of lack of willpower, but usually from a lack of a good plan. If you want to be a champion swimmer but you decide to start practicing in Lake Ontario in February you damn well should give up, cause its not going to be pleasant and the positive outcomes are not going to outweigh the negatives. Positives: your saliva can now develop film/ Negatives: no one uses film anymore.

So I will write a very informal guide on how to make the most out of your new year's resolution from my experience as a trainer for three years and a gym goer for longer than I have the capacity to count or the results to show for. Feel free to email this to anyone who needs to hear advice from someone who's not looking to profit off you.

1) Gym Memberships; Gym owners care usually about one thing- raping you in the ass. Now they are careful to never do it too hard, and they'll call you all sorts of pretty names while they do it but be clear on what they are doing. January is usually the best time to join as they run all sorts of specials to get you in the door, but be aware that trying to get out of a gym contract will give you that same 'oh shit' feeling as when you superglued your hand to your forehead. Does this mean don't join a gym? No, it's a damn good idea, they've got all the toys you're going to want to play with. Now some people will tell you that you don't need a gym to get in shape, and that is true. There are tons of things you can do in the safety of your own home to get leaner and more flexible, but how has that been working out for you the past few years? Eh, Fatty? Home is where you relax, work is where you work, you need somewhere to train that isn't either of those places. Now what is the key to not letting the gym get the upper hand? Go to the gym on a regular basis and don't stop going. Even if you're paying a steep rate they will lose money on you if you go 3-4 times per week. That was my mentality in university, even though I was only paying $60/year. I was very cheap.

2) Gym Atmospheres: Check the gym out at the hours that you are going to be working out. See how crowded it is. If you call to book a tour they will try to show you the place in the off hours when it is clean and not crowded. Go into most gyms between 7 and 9 pm and it will look like the cast of Mad Max was choreographing a LOTR fight scene. Think about what gym you are going to be most comfortable training at rather that which one is cheapest. A lot of times newbies don't like training in gyms because the other members intimidate them. And there's a good reason for that; a lot of gyms are full of dicks.

3) Free training sessions: Once again keep in mind that someone is probably trying to rape you. Most gyms will offer free personal training sessions designed to make you buy a whole ton of training sessions. Now personal training can be a damn good idea, think about it like getting piano lessons. Sure you can learn to play out of a book but it can be a lot easier and better to have someone who knows how to teach piano to show you how. Now the flip side of the coin is that most personal trainers are complete morons. I have seen people shell out thousands of dollars to trainers that didn't have a clue what they were doing. A lot of the worst will hide behind either steroid infused bodies that know nothing about drug free workouts or behind textbook explanations that have little real world applications and somehow justify the fact that the trainer is not in great shape themselves. I've never worked for a club that had more than one or two trainers on staff worth not slapping in the back of the head. Watch the trainers when they are working, ask around to find out who is good, find someone that deals in results not promises. You can find great workouts on the internet, don't pay a trainer for some cookie cutter crap that they got out of a flex magazine during their lunch break, which they read in the drug store so they wouldn't have to pay for it (true story, and I got a million more).

4) Don't put all your eggs on one treadmill: they will fall off and break. If you want to lose weight you have to focus on diet, weights and cardio (if you want to gain muscle only you can usually forget about the cardio). Now cardio is boring and not very useful so don't overdo it, and for the love of geed don't do a 'fat burn' program on one. See that middle aged lady shaped like a cork walking on the treadmill? Ask her how long she's been working out. Then try not to laugh. Do 15 minute of intervals (usually a button for it) after your weights and get out of there. And yes you have to lift weights. No it won't make you hyooge, but it will make sure you don't lose muscle tissue along with all the fat you're gonna shed. And my opinion on the aerobics classes taught by the anorexic girl who eats so many fat burning pills that 'gelatin coating' contributes most of the calories to her diet? Well I'm on the fence obviously.

5) Don't eat stupid. You need to eat better to get results from your workouts. I think most diets could be cleaned up a whole lot by following two simple rules: #1)Don't eat anything that an eight year old would buy if he found ten bucks. #2)Don't drink anything a frat boy would buy if he found twenty.

6) Don't eat really stupid. If the human body could live off a salad and two diet cokes per day world hunger would not be an issue. Try not feeding your dog for two days and see how she treats you. Don't you think you should treat your body a little better?

Anyway that's probably enough for now, I'll happily fire off a part2 if there is any interest in it. The last thing I want is to come off as holier than thou or anything, this (possible) series is mostly about trying to make sure no one makes the same dumb mistakes I did.Well until next time; keep fit and have fun.